My Zion

For years I have had this concept in my head which I now call My Zion. It is an idea that any place you are can be Zion if you choose to make it so. It really started with my first extended visit to Zion Canyon. I fell in love and cannot get enough of that place, not during tourist season when it is a zoo but in the quiet times between October 1st and April 1st when the shuttles stop running and the people are less numerous. It is a place where I find unparalleled beauty and quiet stillness that nourishes me.

I love all the changes. Every day, every hour, almost every minute is sooooo different there. The light is continuously changing almost to the point that you can chase it. In February there is water coursing down every little gully and over every rock face, sometimes in torrents.. In April it can be all dried up and look totally different. The colors can show up in the softest, gentlest way and become totally intense in another place. They can differ within just a few feet, bright white juxtaposed by deepest black and softest greens against brilliant orange.

Isn't that the way life is? One day everything is in an uproar and the next can be tranquil. In my Zion, which is not just a physical place but a place in my head, I can make the best or the worst of it. My choice. Pursuing "My Zion" has become something of a passion for me. It is a vision quest of sorts to try and improve my point of view on everything in every day. Sometimes I succeed and pat myself on the back. Sometimes I fail miserably but now I don't continue to beat myself up as in the past. Each day I am trying to become just a little bit better in "My Zion".

On Change and Changing

I used to think of change as another four letter word, just as most of you do. Well, I think Tai Chi and age brought about a great change in my thinking. I have begun to look at change as a very positive thing. I have had to make some mighty changes in thinking in my life. Some of those changes have included actual physical changes but all of them have included changes in heart and mind. I have learned along the way to trust and that has perhaps been the mightiest change of all. I know it is the change that has brought me the most peace.

When I was a kid, I trusted very few people. I was trying to find my way in a world which didn't feel very comfortable to me. Until I was 16 or so, I had many experiences in which I would feel like I was living in a dream and I would awaken at any moment and find that I was back "home" again in the "real" world. It has been a very interesting experience for me to finally get to a place where I accept where I am and trust my Heavenly Father to guide me to where He needs me rather than my trying to push my will upon Him. What great peace this has brought to my life.

The difficulties haven't changed one little bit. There are still many challenges. Like the old saying, "Growing old is not for sissies." On the other hand, growing old can be one of the most rewarding experiences imaginable. I wouldn't change the new understanding I have of life for anything else in the world. I have become what I am through the changes I have decided to make or have been forced to make throughout this life and I am really beginning to like what I am becoming.

Would I Change It?

My life has not been what anyone would call an easy life. It was pretty cushy until I hit college and then I started to learn what life was really about. In my earlier posts I have told about some of my struggles. Would I change my life? I have thought this through many a time. I then take a look around me and see what other's problems are and I realize that I wouldn't want to change my set for someone else'. Even in my own extended family, I cannot find a single person without their own heartaches and difficulties. Often I think that Heavenly Father must stay pretty busy just deciding where not to intervene in the problems of all his children. I know this has been one of my biggest challenges. More than a few times, I have chosen to get involved where I shouldn't have and wished that I could reverse the results. On many other occasions, usually with the help of the Spirit, I have intervened with really positive results. I guess the operative word is "Spirit". When I have listened to the Spirit, it has always worked out right in the end whether the results initially appeared right or not. The big trick is figuring out when it is the Spirit and when it isn't. Sometimes I still don't know and often, usually on the little promptings, I choose to doubt myself and regret the results. I guess that is why we're here but I don't have to like it. Occasionally I sure do wish I could go home!

The Gift Mary Gave

Below is a picture of the last baby to be born in our family. His name is Aidan and his mother is our youngest daughter. We are soon to have another little miracle in our midst. We know this baby is a boy but we don't yet know his name. He will be Jour oldest son's first son (after 4 beautiful daughters). The whole process absolutely amazes me every time. Is it any wonder that I am in awe of a young girl who virtually gave herself up to give life to the Savior of the World. A few years ago I heard a song by Amy Grant and Chris Eaton. It touched me as no other Christmas song ever has. It is named 'Breath of Heaven/Mary's Song. The words are as follows.

I have traveled many moonless nights. Cold and weary with a babe inside and I wonder what I've done.
Holy Father you have come and chosen me now to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer. I am frightened by the load I bear, in a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone. Be with me now. Be with me now.

Breath of Heaven hold me together, be forever near me.
Breath of Heaven.
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness, pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy, Breath of Heaven.

Do you wonder as you watch my face if a wiser one should have had my place.
But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong, help me be, help me.

Breath of Heaven hold me together, be forever near me.
Breath of Heaven.
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness, pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy, Breath of Heaven.

I teach Tai Chi and I am often telling students that to let go of control is really to gain it. Mary had to turn herself entirely over to Heavenly Father and His wisdom and His plan. I find it difficult to let go of control over even the smallest things sometimes. it It is hard for me to imagine someone so humble as to allow her life to be given to someone else for the greater cause of mankind. However, in my years on this earth, I have learned that to give myself over to my Heavenly Father's plan makes things so much simpler. Even then, I often choose not to do so.

At this Christmas time, I would hope that we all, myself included, can come to a place where we let go of our selfish impulses even for a short time and remember the Gift that Mary gave, the gift of self, to bring about a better world.

The babe

To My Awesome Children

What's it like to have amazing kids? It's satisfying, joyous, full of moments of pride and tender tears.

I want my kids to know how much I appreciate all that each of them do to make my life the wonderful adventure it is.

Last night we had our usual annual Christmas party. It was probably the most satisfying party I have ever had in my home and there have been more than a few. I made chicken soup, two huge pots and it was all gone at the end. I made it because I did it a few years back for a party centered on what they would have eaten in the Saviors day. It was the most popular dinner I ever made so maybe it will become a tradition. Everyone was happy and seemed relaxed and enjoyed themselves including me. We centered our party on what a terrific father and grandfather and husband etc. Ken is. Each family did their part in a different way but each was beautiful. They all touched my heart with their insights from listening to Benson read his tribute to grandpa (of course I cried), to big, tough Kenny sobbing about grandpa, to the comments of the "in-laws" (a word those who know us know we dislike) on how accepted they feel. It was peaceful and satisfying and fulfilling. There is no way I can begin to express my joy at seeing those young people whose care has been entrusted to me.

Thank you Heather, Bill, Jason, Aretta, Jenny, Tim, Micah and Sarah for being the people you are, the amazing, loving, giving, tender-hearted, kind, compassionate, responsible people that are you. Thank you for taking care of your children, my grand children, in a way that makes me proud to be your mother. Thanks for making me want to be a better person and for keeping me humble when I observe all your accomplishments no matter when, where or how they occurred.

Thanks for letting me stand by and admire your courage in facing your demons and conquering those things that would hold others back. Thanks for your desire to help all those around you to become better and for accepting others no matter their limitations. You are every mother's dream. Oh yes, I know none of you are perfect and sometimes I am tempted to say, "What are they thinking!" Then I think about my parents thinking the same things about me and that puts it all into perspective.

I wouldn't trade one of you for anyone else in the world. There are no other children in the world that I would rather be mother to. You are my hopes, my dreams, my work and my glory all come to fruition in children worthy to be called sons and daughters of Heavenly Father. You are everything I hoped you would be and more. You are my life and my love. Having said that, "Say your prayers and get to work! There is no time to rest. There is still much work for you to do."

Simple Courage

Tony is dying.  I have known far too many Tonys in my life to make it comfortable. I have known Dale and Rob and Teresa and David.  You see, I am the mother of three deaf children and they married three deaf children of other mothers.  I have been a part of the deaf community for 35 years.  I am one of the lucky ones.  My children are "only" deaf.

I see the courage in their lives every day that they have to step out in a world that is unwelcoming enough for the hearing.  It must be daunting at times for them.  Then I  see the Tonys of the world and courage takes on new meaning.  I don't know what Tonys "syndrome" is called.  There are many conditions among the deaf that result in multiple problems.  I don't care what it is named.  I only see that it has resulted in a remarkable young man who finds joy and laughter in every day he lives, even when he is dying.

My son is his branch president but long before the caring for Tony came with the calling, the caring had already begun as a friend.  Now he will be called to preside over a funeral too soon. Tony laughs and jokes with everyone about whether they are coming to his funeral.  I'm sure there will be many because of the way he has touched this world.   My son, stopped to see him at the hospital on the way to his last deer hunt.  Tony bugged him about always looking for the "big one".  This year, he took a "smaller" one to honor his friend.  Maybe Tony will be helping him find the "big" one sometime in the future.

All the Tonys, the Dales and Teresas, the Robs and Davids with their positive attitudes, their crooked smiles, their hugs and their tears whether calling me mom or friend have caused some pain for me but in the long run, they have caused so much more joy and admiration.  Joy for having them as friends and admiration for all they have suffered with strength and grace.  Their tears and laughter will always be with me because they have become threads in the fabric that is my life.

Thanks guys for adding sparkling threads to my tapestry.  You have made my life so much more rich!