Finding Ones Resilient Self

For many years now I have heard the term "resilient children" used in various ways.  I have often wondered what it was inside that made these people so resilient.  I then realized I was one of those resilient children.  I began to examine myself to find "why so?"  It has been an interesting process, this self examination.  It is painful and beautiful, easy and hard, revealing and prone to self-deception.   My husband is always saying that we have to be brutally honest with ourselves.  The fact is that very few of us are willing to do that.  We do not really want to come face to face with the "man/woman" in the mirror.  Our fears might really be true and we may not measure up to all we hoped or wanted to be.  Surprise!  Very few really do measure up to their dreams but that doesn't mean we should stop dreaming.

I always wanted to be an artist.  I sold out in college to the vague references by others to how "brutal" the criticism in the art field was.  I didn't want to face that brutality, the fact that I might not measure up to someone else' idea of what my art should be.  I settled for a different road and found it very satisfying because I still could be partly in what I loved, creating and bringing to fruition my dreams of beautiful clothing.  I majored in clothing and textiles and loved designing.  Still, in the back of my mind was that little devil saying, "Why!!!  You were good enough.  Why didn't you believe in yourself?  Why did you accept someone else' interpretation of what you are capable of?"

Now, I know that it is not possible for everyone to achieve their dreams.  We can't all become professional actors, dancers, artists, football players, sports heros, every kid has one of those dreams in their heads.  The fact is though, we can live our dreams.  We may have to scale them back a little, tweak them or maybe even alter them a bit to fit what is going on but we can live them.  

My latest take on being an artist is fulfilling my dreams.  My art works are my children and their children.  They have become my clay and my canvas.  I helped mold and paint them each to be what they now are and yes, I have been putting each one down with a pencil on art paper.  My new dream is to sketch everyone in my family in a way that every other person will recognize that sketch as one of their own.  It isn't easy.  I've had to alter and tweak a lot.  Slowly, each child is becoming my picture of who they are both on and off the paper.  When my three year old granddaughter recognizes who they are, I know I have succeeded.

I have been examining myself and found myself resilient enough to become what I always wanted to be, an artist.  It may be late and in an altered state but nevertheless, I am one.

Blessings

When you are laying in a hospital bed having just lost half your blood supply, you tend to think in different terms than ever before.  I couldn't help but look at that red liquid running through a tube into my arm and wonder who gave that blood to me.  To them it probably didn't seem like much of a sacrifice but to me, it seemed that person and the three others who gave their blood became very important.

It is not the first time I have had a blood transfusion but the others took place 30 years ago and I didn't need nearly so much.  I didn't even know I was bleeding this time for quite a while and then suddenly they were telling me that I had lost a whole lot!  What if I hadn't bled externally ever or what if my daughter hadn't responded to my phone call or what if I had passed out before getting in touch with someone.  What if, what if, what if!

Our lives are all so tenuous and we repeat something to that effect frequently but do we ever really "think" what that really means.  This all happened so quickly and I didn't even know it was happening.  How many of us have lost loved ones to a really quick event.  One minute they are here and the next, they are gone.

My experience is pretty much in the past now.  They gave me four units of blood, checked my blood count and said,  "You have a full tank now." as if I was an automobile but I'm not.  Our bodies are miraculous and they can be fixed pretty readily in the right circumstances but our thought processes are altered for a very long time.  I still find myself repeating that old "I'm so tired!" phrase but this time it is physically tired for a very good reason.  My brain processes aren't tired and I find myself thinking about this a lot.

I am soooo grateful that none of the what ifs happened.  I am still able to do pretty much that I have always been able to do but now I do it with so much more appreciation.  What a wonderful gift life is.  How wonderful is it to be blessed with such good family and friends.  How wonderful that there is a hospital within 10 minutes of my house where they can "fix" so many things.  What if I had been a pioneer on the plains when this took place.  It would probably have pretty much been good bye to "This is the place!"  A prairie grave would probably have been mine.

Being so fortunate is sometimes a heavy burden but it can also bring great delight!  Thanks whoever you are for giving blood for some unknown being.  Thanks Heavenly Father for putting me here and now when  this technology is available and I have all these amazing blessings.

A Choice to Learn and Change

For many, many years I lived with a serious disease.  It was not a disease that you could catch from someone else or that suddenly appeared out of the blue like cancer.  It came on slowly, brought about by choices or my lack of choice.  It crippled me in a way that a broken leg or muscle deterioration never does.  It crippled my mind.  That disease was fear.  I really don't know how it came about initially but I do know that it continued to grow as my life experiences changed until it was so totally controlling that I found myself one day lying on my kitchen floor in the fetal position, unable to leave my home.

For two years I went to psychiatrists and counselors.  I did all the little exercises they assigned me faithfully.  I wrote lists about how I felt.  Every one of those lists included "tired" several times.  I was tired of the choices, tired of the pain, tired of dealing, tired of people, tired of the things that had happened in my life over which I had little control and tired of life.   I was afraid of life the way it was and afraid to change it.  In all of this, it never occurred to me that I had a supreme choice until one of my counseling sessions.  I was on my 4th counselor and as I sat talking to him on one of my last sessions, he made a comment that made sooooo much sense to me. He simply said this, "It's not your mother's fault.  It's not your father's fault.  It isn't your husband or your children or your cousin Eddy's fault.  It isn't YOUR fault.  Vea Lynn, there are just some things you didn't learn in life's process.  You simply need to learn them!"  In a few short sentences, he had given me the power to take over my own life and change the facts.  He gave me permission to start learning all those things I hadn't known before.  He had told me that fear did not have to continue to rule my life.

Suddenly, I became free.  I have always been a bit of a learning addict and he was telling me that even though I didn't learn to deal with things appropriately, I still could do it.  I still had the ability to take control of my own life and learn the things I hadn't learned.  

That being said, some of those things were pretty huge.  They were things that required enormous amounts of confidence and self control.  For instance, I had, prior to all this, lost a daughter & found that my other two children were deaf in 10 days time.  I later had another deaf child.  I  had three seriously preemie babies, the last requiring the loss of his twin and 12 trips to the hospital before he was born 2 months early.  I had major surgery for a genetic defect in my urinary system and had blood clots in my leg.  I had lost both my father to a long battle with brain cancer and my father-in-law suddenly to a burst aneurysm in 6 months time.  The counseling sessions followed a 3 week stay in the "Behavioral Health" unit due to an emotional break down.  There were numerous other factors as well.

Now someone with credibility was telling me that I could still learn how to deal with all these things.  I didn't need to stay in my fearful world.  There was a way through the fear.  I was raised by wonderful parents who loved me and cared for me well.  Maybe they cared for me too well because I had been pretty insulated from many of life's normal trials and difficulties.  I already had a personality that pushed me to please rather than stand up for myself and so I readily went along with pretty much whatever they told me to do.  Fortunately, I inherited another personality trait that was to serve me well.  I am extremely stubborn!  I kind of fit in to today's Xtreme society.  I do not give up easily and I decided that I HAD to learn the things I missed.  

Mostly, I have learned because of my desire and my ability to observe what does and doesn't work but one particular thing seemed to be the catalyst.  I started taking Martial Arts.  Yes, at the age of 47, I decided to take up Tae Kwon Do.  I did it initially because of a challenge my already Black Belt Studio owner daughter gave me but soon I recognized all it was doing for me.  I was losing weight, 40 lbs in a year.  I was discovering that I wasn't the total klutz  I had always thought myself to be and most important of all, I was gaining some confidence in what I was capable of doing.   When shortly after 9/11 I went with the US Martial Arts team to the Goodwill Games in Venezuela without even a heart palpitation,  I knew that I had finally learned how to deal with the fears.

I don't have all the answers still and there are times when a healthy, normal fear is my companion and friend but I am no longer ruled by all the unhealthy fears that governed my life.  I have made my choice and that choice is to learn and if necessary, change.  Change can be a wonderful thing if you choose to make it so.

Thanks to a counselor whose name I can't even remember but who helped me understand that fear and learning to combat it are choices.  Thanks Jen, for starting me on my way and thanks for the secret that you and I share about why you are in my life.   I will be forever grateful to you both!

Children-A Choice

One of my greatest passions is my children and grandchildren. I have 5 children and they are each amazing in their own way. I have 15 grandchildren with 1 on the way. They were each born with a different spirit. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormons), I believe that we lived a life as spirit children of our Heavenly Father before we came here to earth. I believe we formed personalities and made choices in that life that affect what we are like and what we do here. Whether you have that belief or not, you have to admit that each little person comes here with traits and abilities that you have no explanation for. Each little one is born with the definite imprint of his or her own personality.

I teach a Marriage and Family Relations class and I believe one of my prime responsibilities is to try and get each person in the group to think about the choices they make before facing the situation in which that choice will be implemented. It constantly amazes me how few people think about their choices before the choice must actually be made. This seems especially true in the choice to have children.

Let see, it goes something like this. Boy meets girl. He/she is cute and funny and fun. I like to be with this person. Maybe I would like to be with them for a long time. I will marry this person. I don't know, maybe we should have children. They are so cute and they will love me no matter what. That would be fun! Whoa! What happened to challenging, tons of work, frustrating, heart breaking, joyous, funny, expensive, time consuming etc. It never enters some of their minds that when they make this decision, they are choosing to alter their lives forever. Also, they are choosing to shape another life that is in their care.

In class, we spend a lot of time on the things that most don't think about. We talk about things like what do I want my children to learn from me. What qualities do I want to instill in my children. What natural talents and abilities does my child have and how do I enhance those. Do I really want to push any child to do the things I didn't have a chance to do. Where is the line that defines how hard I push or what I should let go. Many young people have given virtually no thought to most of these questions.

What they don't understand is that when you choose to have a child, many of your other choices go straight out the window. Let's face it, if you are a good parent, junior's good comes first. Good bye to going wherever I want and doing whatever I want. Mary has a play that I will need to see. Jonny has 10 football games this year. Do I need to be to all of them? Should I let Sandy take Karate or should I push her to do ballet, after all, I didn't get that chance. I know George has been taking piano lessons for 3 years and doesn't seem any better but...... How do we answer those questions? Especially in the world as it is today.

Could it be that quality is not enough? Could it be that I need quantity enough to get to know my child like he/she really deserves to be known. YES!!! The only way to find the answers to all those questions is to take the time to really know your child. You must ask questions and you MUST LISTEN TO THE ANSWERS. My daughter has 6 beautiful, talented and highly individual children. They were raised in the same house but they were not raised in the same way. There must be adjustments for each child's personality, their likes and dislikes, their talents and abilities, their tastes and choices. This is a time and labor intensive undertaking. If you do not do it, someone else will but maybe you won't like the outcome.

Each of my children has turned out amazingly well! This simply proves that sometimes in spite of parental errors, things work out ok. The one thing I did do right was sincerely love each of them and give them my time. I learned to swallow hard and say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong!" I learned to wind cords for various machines whose purpose I didn't understand but which apparently made the band practicing in my basement sound "cool". I didn't necessarily love their music but I knew where they were. I did find too, that the songs they were playing had some tremendously meaningful lyrics. I learned American Sign Language. You would be amazed at how many parents of deaf chidlren choose to not learn to communicate with them. I had multiple before and after Prom events. I was chauffer to many. I listened to all and when my nephew who lived with us said to me, "Even the bad times here are good!" I never forgot it.

If you don't have children yet, make the choice to think about it first. If you do have children, make a choice to give your all to that awe inspiring task. I promise you will never regret it! Remember, you can are the one that can choose to make "even the bad times" seem good!

On Cory

Just over 1 year and 7 months ago, I had one of the most profound experiences of my life and I have had many profound experiences. We got a call telling us that our nephew Cory had taken his own life. It was deeply painful. It affected me in ways I had not realized I could be affected.

I was both sorrowful and angry, confused at the gamut of emotions I was feeling.

I knew his mom and dad were on their way back from a vacation in Arizona where they had received the news. I didn't know what I was going to do or say when I saw them. I was furious that the call they had waited for many years had finally come. We had all hoped it wouldn't come at all but deep down, somewhere in that cavern that contains ones soul, we had all known it was coming. Now, it was finally here. The unthinkable had happened.

Cory was a handsome, intelligent, kind and gentle soul. He was pulled into something beyond his control at a very young age and in a very innocent way. Some "friends" invited him to try a drink and from that moment on, he was hooked. What an ungly habit Satan has of using innocents to break other innocents. Children leading children down a path from which it is soooo hard to turn away.

I couldn't even begin to imagine what his parents, his wife, his children and his brother and sister were going through. I have lost a child and a grandchild but it was not of their own choice. I couldn't imagine the pain that would cause a relatively young man to finally make the choice that would affect so many lives. I didn't understand why he would make that choice knowing how much pain it would cause others. I finally came to the conclusion that somewhere inside himself, he thought that everyone would be better off if he wasn't here, the "It's a Wonderful Life" syndrome. What would the world be like if I never existed!

Oh how wrong he was! There were more than enough people willing to take blame for his actions and there was plenty of blame to go around. Most of us could point fingers at ourselves and say, "Why didn't I....." Ultimately, there was only one person who could accept that responsibility. Cory made his choice. True, he probably didn't have a very real picture of the world minus Cory but I have no doubt that he now knows. He probably didn't think of the children who would forever miss a daddy or the parents who would forever mourn a son. He didn't think of the wife who was as seriously impaired as he was. He didn't think of the brother or the sister, the aunts and uncles, cousins and friends whose lives might be forever altered because of his choice.

When you are thinking only of yourself, whether impaired by alcohol or drugs or just self-destructive ways, it is hard to make any choice let alone the right one. Children, that is why your parents tell you to never take that first drink. They do it out of love. They tell you drugs will only cause pain. They say that because they know. They say, "Who are you going to the movie with?" not because they want to take your freedom. The say it because they want you to live life fully and long. They want you to have the best life you can have. Parents, some of you are being told this by your children. You, who are supposed to be the leaders, the defenders, the providers are expecting those you were to lead to provide for you.

At times, I am still angry at all the misery that Cory has brought to be, the selfishness with which he acted. I know inside that he was in a desperate position but I know also that many other acts led to this one last act. Many other choices led to this one final, irreversible choice. I know that we can make any and every excuse for his choice but it does boil down to a choice.

Cory, though you made that choice and it affected so many, know that we love you. Know that every day, many still think of you and wish you were here. You're not and many lives are forever changed by one short, irreversible moment.