A Choice to Learn and Change

For many, many years I lived with a serious disease.  It was not a disease that you could catch from someone else or that suddenly appeared out of the blue like cancer.  It came on slowly, brought about by choices or my lack of choice.  It crippled me in a way that a broken leg or muscle deterioration never does.  It crippled my mind.  That disease was fear.  I really don't know how it came about initially but I do know that it continued to grow as my life experiences changed until it was so totally controlling that I found myself one day lying on my kitchen floor in the fetal position, unable to leave my home.

For two years I went to psychiatrists and counselors.  I did all the little exercises they assigned me faithfully.  I wrote lists about how I felt.  Every one of those lists included "tired" several times.  I was tired of the choices, tired of the pain, tired of dealing, tired of people, tired of the things that had happened in my life over which I had little control and tired of life.   I was afraid of life the way it was and afraid to change it.  In all of this, it never occurred to me that I had a supreme choice until one of my counseling sessions.  I was on my 4th counselor and as I sat talking to him on one of my last sessions, he made a comment that made sooooo much sense to me. He simply said this, "It's not your mother's fault.  It's not your father's fault.  It isn't your husband or your children or your cousin Eddy's fault.  It isn't YOUR fault.  Vea Lynn, there are just some things you didn't learn in life's process.  You simply need to learn them!"  In a few short sentences, he had given me the power to take over my own life and change the facts.  He gave me permission to start learning all those things I hadn't known before.  He had told me that fear did not have to continue to rule my life.

Suddenly, I became free.  I have always been a bit of a learning addict and he was telling me that even though I didn't learn to deal with things appropriately, I still could do it.  I still had the ability to take control of my own life and learn the things I hadn't learned.  

That being said, some of those things were pretty huge.  They were things that required enormous amounts of confidence and self control.  For instance, I had, prior to all this, lost a daughter & found that my other two children were deaf in 10 days time.  I later had another deaf child.  I  had three seriously preemie babies, the last requiring the loss of his twin and 12 trips to the hospital before he was born 2 months early.  I had major surgery for a genetic defect in my urinary system and had blood clots in my leg.  I had lost both my father to a long battle with brain cancer and my father-in-law suddenly to a burst aneurysm in 6 months time.  The counseling sessions followed a 3 week stay in the "Behavioral Health" unit due to an emotional break down.  There were numerous other factors as well.

Now someone with credibility was telling me that I could still learn how to deal with all these things.  I didn't need to stay in my fearful world.  There was a way through the fear.  I was raised by wonderful parents who loved me and cared for me well.  Maybe they cared for me too well because I had been pretty insulated from many of life's normal trials and difficulties.  I already had a personality that pushed me to please rather than stand up for myself and so I readily went along with pretty much whatever they told me to do.  Fortunately, I inherited another personality trait that was to serve me well.  I am extremely stubborn!  I kind of fit in to today's Xtreme society.  I do not give up easily and I decided that I HAD to learn the things I missed.  

Mostly, I have learned because of my desire and my ability to observe what does and doesn't work but one particular thing seemed to be the catalyst.  I started taking Martial Arts.  Yes, at the age of 47, I decided to take up Tae Kwon Do.  I did it initially because of a challenge my already Black Belt Studio owner daughter gave me but soon I recognized all it was doing for me.  I was losing weight, 40 lbs in a year.  I was discovering that I wasn't the total klutz  I had always thought myself to be and most important of all, I was gaining some confidence in what I was capable of doing.   When shortly after 9/11 I went with the US Martial Arts team to the Goodwill Games in Venezuela without even a heart palpitation,  I knew that I had finally learned how to deal with the fears.

I don't have all the answers still and there are times when a healthy, normal fear is my companion and friend but I am no longer ruled by all the unhealthy fears that governed my life.  I have made my choice and that choice is to learn and if necessary, change.  Change can be a wonderful thing if you choose to make it so.

Thanks to a counselor whose name I can't even remember but who helped me understand that fear and learning to combat it are choices.  Thanks Jen, for starting me on my way and thanks for the secret that you and I share about why you are in my life.   I will be forever grateful to you both!