Finding Ones Resilient Self

For many years now I have heard the term "resilient children" used in various ways.  I have often wondered what it was inside that made these people so resilient.  I then realized I was one of those resilient children.  I began to examine myself to find "why so?"  It has been an interesting process, this self examination.  It is painful and beautiful, easy and hard, revealing and prone to self-deception.   My husband is always saying that we have to be brutally honest with ourselves.  The fact is that very few of us are willing to do that.  We do not really want to come face to face with the "man/woman" in the mirror.  Our fears might really be true and we may not measure up to all we hoped or wanted to be.  Surprise!  Very few really do measure up to their dreams but that doesn't mean we should stop dreaming.

I always wanted to be an artist.  I sold out in college to the vague references by others to how "brutal" the criticism in the art field was.  I didn't want to face that brutality, the fact that I might not measure up to someone else' idea of what my art should be.  I settled for a different road and found it very satisfying because I still could be partly in what I loved, creating and bringing to fruition my dreams of beautiful clothing.  I majored in clothing and textiles and loved designing.  Still, in the back of my mind was that little devil saying, "Why!!!  You were good enough.  Why didn't you believe in yourself?  Why did you accept someone else' interpretation of what you are capable of?"

Now, I know that it is not possible for everyone to achieve their dreams.  We can't all become professional actors, dancers, artists, football players, sports heros, every kid has one of those dreams in their heads.  The fact is though, we can live our dreams.  We may have to scale them back a little, tweak them or maybe even alter them a bit to fit what is going on but we can live them.  

My latest take on being an artist is fulfilling my dreams.  My art works are my children and their children.  They have become my clay and my canvas.  I helped mold and paint them each to be what they now are and yes, I have been putting each one down with a pencil on art paper.  My new dream is to sketch everyone in my family in a way that every other person will recognize that sketch as one of their own.  It isn't easy.  I've had to alter and tweak a lot.  Slowly, each child is becoming my picture of who they are both on and off the paper.  When my three year old granddaughter recognizes who they are, I know I have succeeded.

I have been examining myself and found myself resilient enough to become what I always wanted to be, an artist.  It may be late and in an altered state but nevertheless, I am one.