Because You Love Me, Silly!

I had an interesting conversation with my 4 year old granddaughter the other day. It went kind of like this.

Me: "Do you know how pretty you are?"

Ashy: "Yes!"

Me: "Do you know how sweet you are?"

Ashy: "Yes!"

Me: "Do you know how smart you are?"

Ashy: "Yes!"

Me: "How do you know all those things?"

Ashy: "Because you love me silly!"

That little statement made such an impact on me. To know that because I loved a child, it influenced how she looked at herself.

This little conversation in turn made me think of a little book we were told to read after we found our children were deaf. It was named 'Love Is Not Enough'. I really didn't like that book much. My husband liked it less. He used to say, "Love may not be enough but it goes a heck of a long way. Without it, you really don't get to the other stuff." I have discovered that he is so right. Everyone needs to know that there is someone who loves them no matter what. there is someone who you can turn to who loves you without question. I guess Ashy feels that way. Even when she is grumpy and cranky, I still love her and think she is pretty, sweet and smart.

I have had lots of occasions to think about this lately. A nephew who lived with us for a while came to stay and it was just like he never left. His last night with us was spent with Ken and I sitting on the bed and Kev kneeling at the bottom in long conversation about life and love and purpose etc. It was just as comfortable as it was before even though he lives far away with a family of his own. A neighbor who spent much of his time with our son had a business open house yesterday. He has a family and a life of his own but I don't love him any differently. My daughter recently walked in and said she needed to be some place where she knew she is always loved. There have been more than a few times when I felt the same way but also felt I had nowhere to go for that kind of validation.

I have a weakness of sorts. I have always kind of felt that how much I was loved depended on how I was performing for whomever I sought to have love me. Part of this came from how I was raised but part also comes from what I expect from myself. The irony of this is that I never look at other people in the way I look at myself. I pretty much love everyone because of the fact that they are sons and daughters of God. I have even felt pain for seriously evil people because I know what they are missing because they are unloved and/or unable to love others and themselves. Ken finds this a little disconcerting but it is true. I find myself able to love others without accepting their ways into my values and my life or expecting them to live the way I do. Sometimes, I just can't love myself in that same way. I expect much more of myself than is probably wise.

I have decided that I need to be more kind to myself. I need to "cut myself a break" and remember that I am good "because you love me, Ashy"!

Thoughts on Debbie

Sunday we lost another angel. She was not a perfect woman but she was an amazing person. Our Debbie had a pretty tough life almost from when life began. For those who don't know her, she married young, had a child, divorced, married again, had a child, divorced. Married again to her true love and had two more children. Though she had been through some serious tough times, her real hell began just one day after the birth of her last child.

She and her husband were forced to consider the question of how badly she wanted to live when she was found to have cancer in her thigh bone. Did she want to live to raise her 4 young children? To do so meant losing almost a quarter of her body. Medical science had the ability to save 3/4 of her. Just the thought of this tears me up. I simply can't imagine the thought of making that choice myself. It was made and she proceeded to have a surgery meant for one thing, to save her life no matter what that might mean to her future. No one knew that even though she was still alive, she wouldn't be raising her children anyway. It is easy to say, looking back, that perhaps this was a wrong decision but at the time, no one near her was a seer. No one knew what the future held. Everyone knew they wanted Debbie to live. We had no idea of the physical and mental anguish she would encounter on her 23 year struggle to survive.

I don't feel that her funeral captured her essence even though it was nice. There was talk of childhood and care centers (she spent much of her life in many different care centers because of her specialized needs). Various other things were brought up from others points of view but little was said about what was truly amazing about Debbie. There was a very small picture painted about a very large spirit! She was attacked by many demons, abuse in several forms, cancer and mental illness. She dealt with these issues every day of her life yet no one brought much about them up except in a poem which her sister wrote about her.

No one brought up her courage in the face of seemingly unconquerable odds. When Debbie was who she really was, when the demons of mental illness were in control, when she was not in pain of body and spirit, she was a truly gentle, kind, loving human being. There was some mention of her children and how she loved them but no one said how her face lit when she saw them. No one talked of how she waited for their calls and e-mails, the pictures of them and her grandchildren. Little was said of the childlike art sometimes on her walls or the stuffed animals which delighted her. There was talk of her love for horses, reading, drawing and the color purple. She had a passion for those things. Many did not understand her passion. She did many things well. It seemed like she was always getting the short stick. It seemed like many didn't think she deserved the best even though she really didn't ask for this lot in life.

Debbie loved pretty hair and painted nails and flowers. She loved other people and spending time with them. She loved tacos and pizza and coke and Carl's Jr. She was bright and smart and funny. The day before she died, she laughed about the "Royal Regal Portable Restaurant Bathroom" at JCW's. When she was good she was happy and told silly jokes and asked about your family and comforted you. When she was good, she watched over the needs of others, her family, her fellow patients in the care center and the staff there. When she was good which was much of the last few days of her life, she delighted in the visits from 3 of her 4 sons. They came from far away to honor and visit their mother for what would be the last time. She didn't want to leave yet she wanted to go.

She struggled so hard for so long, coming back to us numerous times out of sheer determination. Debbie, know that there are so many who admire and love you. So many who cared about the real Debbie inside that body which you called "a thing" and wanted so badly to fix. Know that your son Kevin will always see "my momma's blue eyes" and that this is what means everything. Know, that we want you to sing and laugh and dance just like you did on your very best days. Forget about the past and dance into the future. Those of us who really love you will meet you there!