On Cory

Just over 1 year and 7 months ago, I had one of the most profound experiences of my life and I have had many profound experiences. We got a call telling us that our nephew Cory had taken his own life. It was deeply painful. It affected me in ways I had not realized I could be affected.

I was both sorrowful and angry, confused at the gamut of emotions I was feeling.

I knew his mom and dad were on their way back from a vacation in Arizona where they had received the news. I didn't know what I was going to do or say when I saw them. I was furious that the call they had waited for many years had finally come. We had all hoped it wouldn't come at all but deep down, somewhere in that cavern that contains ones soul, we had all known it was coming. Now, it was finally here. The unthinkable had happened.

Cory was a handsome, intelligent, kind and gentle soul. He was pulled into something beyond his control at a very young age and in a very innocent way. Some "friends" invited him to try a drink and from that moment on, he was hooked. What an ungly habit Satan has of using innocents to break other innocents. Children leading children down a path from which it is soooo hard to turn away.

I couldn't even begin to imagine what his parents, his wife, his children and his brother and sister were going through. I have lost a child and a grandchild but it was not of their own choice. I couldn't imagine the pain that would cause a relatively young man to finally make the choice that would affect so many lives. I didn't understand why he would make that choice knowing how much pain it would cause others. I finally came to the conclusion that somewhere inside himself, he thought that everyone would be better off if he wasn't here, the "It's a Wonderful Life" syndrome. What would the world be like if I never existed!

Oh how wrong he was! There were more than enough people willing to take blame for his actions and there was plenty of blame to go around. Most of us could point fingers at ourselves and say, "Why didn't I....." Ultimately, there was only one person who could accept that responsibility. Cory made his choice. True, he probably didn't have a very real picture of the world minus Cory but I have no doubt that he now knows. He probably didn't think of the children who would forever miss a daddy or the parents who would forever mourn a son. He didn't think of the wife who was as seriously impaired as he was. He didn't think of the brother or the sister, the aunts and uncles, cousins and friends whose lives might be forever altered because of his choice.

When you are thinking only of yourself, whether impaired by alcohol or drugs or just self-destructive ways, it is hard to make any choice let alone the right one. Children, that is why your parents tell you to never take that first drink. They do it out of love. They tell you drugs will only cause pain. They say that because they know. They say, "Who are you going to the movie with?" not because they want to take your freedom. The say it because they want you to live life fully and long. They want you to have the best life you can have. Parents, some of you are being told this by your children. You, who are supposed to be the leaders, the defenders, the providers are expecting those you were to lead to provide for you.

At times, I am still angry at all the misery that Cory has brought to be, the selfishness with which he acted. I know inside that he was in a desperate position but I know also that many other acts led to this one last act. Many other choices led to this one final, irreversible choice. I know that we can make any and every excuse for his choice but it does boil down to a choice.

Cory, though you made that choice and it affected so many, know that we love you. Know that every day, many still think of you and wish you were here. You're not and many lives are forever changed by one short, irreversible moment.