Sunday, August 1, 2010

My Haiku

Economy
of words.
A deaf child's friend.

Serendipity, happy accident?
Doesn't matter,
I was there.

Reverence.
Simplicity
in solitude.

Essence.
Captured
with one word.

Endowment.
I received.
Father gave.

Shame...
to not choose
one's own course.

Purpose...
to choose
your own path.

Shame
comes looking
for purpose!

Chasing light,
heart beating,
moment---gone!

My Zion-The Place

Something about Zions draws me, calms me, soothes my soul. It's in the colors, the sounds and the spirit. It is the way the light changes as it moves across red rock walls. It is the snow on spring green trees. It is the water, slowly rippling then wildly ripping the soil and the stones from where they for ages have lain. The colors of the water transform from crystal clear droplets falling from a stoney outcrop to silver green eddies at the edge of the river to angry red torrents gushing everywhere.

It is the clouds moving thunder gray or creamy white across a light cobalt sky, pushing shadows along the cliffs stealing light then putting it back, ever changing. It is the lazy drone of insects, large and small, scurrying into crevices. The rush of water between towering walls, ebbing into a silence so deep it erases your thoughts. It is the deepening blue of the night sky, now navy studded with a million twinkling crystal beads, like a stunning gown on a beautiful woman.

Sometimes I see her looking down on me, wondering, watching. Will she ever see the me I hope to be, my mother in the sky? Does she understand the feelings of my heart, my soul? Does it really matter? How would it be to be the mother of such a creation?

Then I remember. My creations are not so numerous but equally beautiful. Two strong and handsome warriors engaged in the battle between good and evil, their weapons, good hearts and minds. Three transcendent beauties rivaling any night sky, their hearts embedded with love and wisdom.

A home, my own little paradise, a refuge for me and mine from the storm. Me teaching and guiding while sometimes not knowing. One flower planted in my Zion place, the harbinger of a thousand more blossoms to come. Visiting Zions gives me time. Time to think, to drink in all nature's beauties. Time to remember my real meaning and purpose.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Because You Love Me, Silly!

I had an interesting conversation with my 4 year old granddaughter the other day. It went kind of like this.
Me: "Do you know how pretty you are?"
Ashy: "Yes!"
Me: "Do you know how sweet you are?"
Ashy: "Yes!"
Me: "Do you know how smart you are?"
Ashy: "Yes!"
Me: "How do you know all those things?"
Ashy: "Because you love me silly!"
That little statement made such an impact on me. To know that because I loved a child, it influenced how she looked at herself.

This little conversation in turn made me think of a little book we were told to read after we found our children were deaf. It was named 'Love Is Not Enough'. I really didn't like that book much. My husband liked it less. He used to say, "Love may not be enough but it goes a heck of a long way. Without it, you really don't get to the other stuff." I have discovered that he is so right. Everyone needs to know that there is someone who loves them no matter what. there is someone who you can turn to who loves you without question. I guess Ashy feels that way. Even when she is grumpy and cranky, I still love her and think she is pretty, sweet and smart.

I have had lots of occasions to think about this lately. A nephew who lived with us for a while came to stay and it was just like he never left. His last night with us was spent with Ken and I sitting on the bed and Kev kneeling at the bottom in long conversation about life and love and purpose etc. It was just as comfortable as it was before even though he lives far away with a family of his own. A neighbor who spent much of his time with our son had a business open house yesterday. He has a family and a life of his own but I don't love him any differently. My daughter recently walked in and said she needed to be some place where she knew she is always loved. There have been more than a few times when I felt the same way but also felt I had nowhere to go for that kind of validation.

I have a weakness of sorts. I have always kind of felt that how much I was loved depended on how I was performing for whomever I sought to have love me. Part of this came from how I was raised but part also comes from what I expect from myself. The irony of this is that I never look at other people in the way I look at myself. I pretty much love everyone because of the fact that they are sons and daughters of God. I have even felt pain for seriously evil people because I know what they are missing because they are unloved and/or unable to love others and themselves. Ken finds this a little disconcerting but it is true. I find myself able to love others without accepting their ways into my values and my life or expecting them to live the way I do. Sometimes, I just can't love myself in that same way. I expect much more of myself than is probably wise.

I have decided that I need to be more kind to myself. I need to "cut myself a break" and remember that I am good "because you love me, Ashy"!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Thoughts on Debbie

Sunday we lost another angel. She was not a perfect woman but she was an amazing person. Our Debbie had a pretty tough life almost from when life began. For those who don't know her, she married young, had a child, divorced, married again, had a child, divorced. Married again to her true love and had two more children. Though she had been through some serious tough times, her real hell began just one day after the birth of her last child.

She and her husband were forced to consider the question of how badly she wanted to live when she was found to have cancer in her thigh bone. Did she want to live to raise her 4 young children? To do so meant losing almost a quarter of her body. Medical science had the ability to save 3/4 of her. Just the thought of this tears me up. I simply can't imagine the thought of making that choice myself. It was made and she proceeded to have a surgery meant for one thing, to save her life no matter what that might mean to her future. No one knew that even though she was still alive, she wouldn't be raising her children anyway. It is easy to say, looking back, that perhaps this was a wrong decision but at the time, no one near her was a seer. No one knew what the future held. Everyone knew they wanted Debbie to live. We had no idea of the physical and mental anguish she would encounter on her 23 year struggle to survive.

I don't feel that her funeral captured her essence even though it was nice. There was talk of childhood and care centers (she spent much of her life in many different care centers because of her specialized needs). Various other things were brought up from others points of view but little was said about what was truly amazing about Debbie. There was a very small picture painted about a very large spirit! She was attacked by many demons, abuse in several forms, cancer and mental illness. She dealt with these issues every day of her life yet no one brought much about them up except in a poem which her sister wrote about her.

No one brought up her courage in the face of seemingly unconquerable odds. When Debbie was who she really was, when the demons of mental illness were in control, when she was not in pain of body and spirit, she was a truly gentle, kind, loving human being. There was some mention of her children and how she loved them but no one said how her face lit when she saw them. No one talked of how she waited for their calls and e-mails, the pictures of them and her grandchildren. Little was said of the childlike art sometimes on her walls or the stuffed animals which delighted her. There was talk of her love for horses, reading, drawing and the color purple. She had a passion for those things. Many did not understand her passion. She did many things well. It seemed like she was always getting the short stick. It seemed like many didn't think she deserved the best even though she really didn't ask for this lot in life.

Debbie loved pretty hair and painted nails and flowers. She loved other people and spending time with them. She loved tacos and pizza and coke and Carl's Jr. She was bright and smart and funny. The day before she died, she laughed about the "Royal Regal Portable Restaurant Bathroom" at JCW's. When she was good she was happy and told silly jokes and asked about your family and comforted you. When she was good, she watched over the needs of others, her family, her fellow patients in the care center and the staff there. When she was good which was much of the last few days of her life, she delighted in the visits from 3 of her 4 sons. They came from far away to honor and visit their mother for what would be the last time. She didn't want to leave yet she wanted to go.

She struggled so hard for so long, coming back to us numerous times out of sheer determination. Debbie, know that there are so many who admire and love you. So many who cared about the real Debbie inside that body which you called "a thing" and wanted so badly to fix. Know that your son Kevin will always see "my momma's blue eyes" and that this is what means everything. Know, that we want you to sing and laugh and dance just like you did on your very best days. Forget about the past and dance into the future. Those of us who really love you will meet you there!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

My Zion

For years I have had this concept in my head which I now call My Zion. It is an idea that any place you are can be Zion if you choose to make it so. It really started with my first extended visit to Zion Canyon. I fell in love and cannot get enough of that place, not during tourist season when it is a zoo but in the quiet times between October 1st and April 1st when the shuttles stop running and the people are less numerous. It is a place where I find unparalleled beauty and quiet stillness that nourishes me.

I love all the changes. Every day, every hour, almost every minute is sooooo different there. The light is continuously changing almost to the point that you can chase it. In February there is water coursing down every little gully and over every rock face, sometimes in torrents.. In April it can be all dried up and look totally different. The colors can show up in the softest, gentlest way and become totally intense in another place. They can differ within just a few feet, bright white juxtaposed by deepest black and softest greens against brilliant orange.

Isn't that the way life is? One day everything is in an uproar and the next can be tranquil. In my Zion, which is not just a physical place but a place in my head, I can make the best or the worst of it. My choice. Pursuing "My Zion" has become something of a passion for me. It is a vision quest of sorts to try and improve my point of view on everything in every day. Sometimes I succeed and pat myself on the back. Sometimes I fail miserably but now I don't continue to beat myself up as in the past. Each day I am trying to become just a little bit better in "My Zion".

On Change and Changing

I used to think of change as another four letter word, just as most of you do. Well, I think Tai Chi and age brought about a great change in my thinking. I have begun to look at change as a very positive thing. I have had to make some mighty changes in thinking in my life. Some of those changes have included actual physical changes but all of them have included changes in heart and mind. I have learned along the way to trust and that has perhaps been the mightiest change of all. I know it is the change that has brought me the most peace.

When I was a kid, I trusted very few people. I was trying to find my way in a world which didn't feel very comfortable to me. Until I was 16 or so, I had many experiences in which I would feel like I was living in a dream and I would awaken at any moment and find that I was back "home" again in the "real" world. It has been a very interesting experience for me to finally get to a place where I accept where I am and trust my Heavenly Father to guide me to where He needs me rather than my trying to push my will upon Him. What great peace this has brought to my life.

The difficulties haven't changed one little bit. There are still many challenges. Like the old saying, "Growing old is not for sissies." On the other hand, growing old can be one of the most rewarding experiences imaginable. I wouldn't change the new understanding I have of life for anything else in the world. I have become what I am through the changes I have decided to make or have been forced to make throughout this life and I am really beginning to like what I am becoming.