Would I Change It?

My life has not been what anyone would call an easy life. It was pretty cushy until I hit college and then I started to learn what life was really about. In my earlier posts I have told about some of my struggles. Would I change my life? I have thought this through many a time. I then take a look around me and see what other's problems are and I realize that I wouldn't want to change my set for someone else'. Even in my own extended family, I cannot find a single person without their own heartaches and difficulties. Often I think that Heavenly Father must stay pretty busy just deciding where not to intervene in the problems of all his children. I know this has been one of my biggest challenges. More than a few times, I have chosen to get involved where I shouldn't have and wished that I could reverse the results. On many other occasions, usually with the help of the Spirit, I have intervened with really positive results. I guess the operative word is "Spirit". When I have listened to the Spirit, it has always worked out right in the end whether the results initially appeared right or not. The big trick is figuring out when it is the Spirit and when it isn't. Sometimes I still don't know and often, usually on the little promptings, I choose to doubt myself and regret the results. I guess that is why we're here but I don't have to like it. Occasionally I sure do wish I could go home!

The Gift Mary Gave

Below is a picture of the last baby to be born in our family. His name is Aidan and his mother is our youngest daughter. We are soon to have another little miracle in our midst. We know this baby is a boy but we don't yet know his name. He will be Jour oldest son's first son (after 4 beautiful daughters). The whole process absolutely amazes me every time. Is it any wonder that I am in awe of a young girl who virtually gave herself up to give life to the Savior of the World. A few years ago I heard a song by Amy Grant and Chris Eaton. It touched me as no other Christmas song ever has. It is named 'Breath of Heaven/Mary's Song. The words are as follows.

I have traveled many moonless nights. Cold and weary with a babe inside and I wonder what I've done.
Holy Father you have come and chosen me now to carry your son.

I am waiting in a silent prayer. I am frightened by the load I bear, in a world as cold as stone
Must I walk this path alone. Be with me now. Be with me now.

Breath of Heaven hold me together, be forever near me.
Breath of Heaven.
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness, pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy, Breath of Heaven.

Do you wonder as you watch my face if a wiser one should have had my place.
But I offer all I am, for the mercy of your plan.
Help me be strong, help me be, help me.

Breath of Heaven hold me together, be forever near me.
Breath of Heaven.
Breath of Heaven, lighten my darkness, pour over me your holiness,
For you are holy, Breath of Heaven.

I teach Tai Chi and I am often telling students that to let go of control is really to gain it. Mary had to turn herself entirely over to Heavenly Father and His wisdom and His plan. I find it difficult to let go of control over even the smallest things sometimes. it It is hard for me to imagine someone so humble as to allow her life to be given to someone else for the greater cause of mankind. However, in my years on this earth, I have learned that to give myself over to my Heavenly Father's plan makes things so much simpler. Even then, I often choose not to do so.

At this Christmas time, I would hope that we all, myself included, can come to a place where we let go of our selfish impulses even for a short time and remember the Gift that Mary gave, the gift of self, to bring about a better world.

The babe

To My Awesome Children

What's it like to have amazing kids? It's satisfying, joyous, full of moments of pride and tender tears.

I want my kids to know how much I appreciate all that each of them do to make my life the wonderful adventure it is.

Last night we had our usual annual Christmas party. It was probably the most satisfying party I have ever had in my home and there have been more than a few. I made chicken soup, two huge pots and it was all gone at the end. I made it because I did it a few years back for a party centered on what they would have eaten in the Saviors day. It was the most popular dinner I ever made so maybe it will become a tradition. Everyone was happy and seemed relaxed and enjoyed themselves including me. We centered our party on what a terrific father and grandfather and husband etc. Ken is. Each family did their part in a different way but each was beautiful. They all touched my heart with their insights from listening to Benson read his tribute to grandpa (of course I cried), to big, tough Kenny sobbing about grandpa, to the comments of the "in-laws" (a word those who know us know we dislike) on how accepted they feel. It was peaceful and satisfying and fulfilling. There is no way I can begin to express my joy at seeing those young people whose care has been entrusted to me.

Thank you Heather, Bill, Jason, Aretta, Jenny, Tim, Micah and Sarah for being the people you are, the amazing, loving, giving, tender-hearted, kind, compassionate, responsible people that are you. Thank you for taking care of your children, my grand children, in a way that makes me proud to be your mother. Thanks for making me want to be a better person and for keeping me humble when I observe all your accomplishments no matter when, where or how they occurred.

Thanks for letting me stand by and admire your courage in facing your demons and conquering those things that would hold others back. Thanks for your desire to help all those around you to become better and for accepting others no matter their limitations. You are every mother's dream. Oh yes, I know none of you are perfect and sometimes I am tempted to say, "What are they thinking!" Then I think about my parents thinking the same things about me and that puts it all into perspective.

I wouldn't trade one of you for anyone else in the world. There are no other children in the world that I would rather be mother to. You are my hopes, my dreams, my work and my glory all come to fruition in children worthy to be called sons and daughters of Heavenly Father. You are everything I hoped you would be and more. You are my life and my love. Having said that, "Say your prayers and get to work! There is no time to rest. There is still much work for you to do."

Simple Courage

Tony is dying.  I have known far too many Tonys in my life to make it comfortable. I have known Dale and Rob and Teresa and David.  You see, I am the mother of three deaf children and they married three deaf children of other mothers.  I have been a part of the deaf community for 35 years.  I am one of the lucky ones.  My children are "only" deaf.

I see the courage in their lives every day that they have to step out in a world that is unwelcoming enough for the hearing.  It must be daunting at times for them.  Then I  see the Tonys of the world and courage takes on new meaning.  I don't know what Tonys "syndrome" is called.  There are many conditions among the deaf that result in multiple problems.  I don't care what it is named.  I only see that it has resulted in a remarkable young man who finds joy and laughter in every day he lives, even when he is dying.

My son is his branch president but long before the caring for Tony came with the calling, the caring had already begun as a friend.  Now he will be called to preside over a funeral too soon. Tony laughs and jokes with everyone about whether they are coming to his funeral.  I'm sure there will be many because of the way he has touched this world.   My son, stopped to see him at the hospital on the way to his last deer hunt.  Tony bugged him about always looking for the "big one".  This year, he took a "smaller" one to honor his friend.  Maybe Tony will be helping him find the "big" one sometime in the future.

All the Tonys, the Dales and Teresas, the Robs and Davids with their positive attitudes, their crooked smiles, their hugs and their tears whether calling me mom or friend have caused some pain for me but in the long run, they have caused so much more joy and admiration.  Joy for having them as friends and admiration for all they have suffered with strength and grace.  Their tears and laughter will always be with me because they have become threads in the fabric that is my life.

Thanks guys for adding sparkling threads to my tapestry.  You have made my life so much more rich! 

Finding Ones Resilient Self

For many years now I have heard the term "resilient children" used in various ways.  I have often wondered what it was inside that made these people so resilient.  I then realized I was one of those resilient children.  I began to examine myself to find "why so?"  It has been an interesting process, this self examination.  It is painful and beautiful, easy and hard, revealing and prone to self-deception.   My husband is always saying that we have to be brutally honest with ourselves.  The fact is that very few of us are willing to do that.  We do not really want to come face to face with the "man/woman" in the mirror.  Our fears might really be true and we may not measure up to all we hoped or wanted to be.  Surprise!  Very few really do measure up to their dreams but that doesn't mean we should stop dreaming.

I always wanted to be an artist.  I sold out in college to the vague references by others to how "brutal" the criticism in the art field was.  I didn't want to face that brutality, the fact that I might not measure up to someone else' idea of what my art should be.  I settled for a different road and found it very satisfying because I still could be partly in what I loved, creating and bringing to fruition my dreams of beautiful clothing.  I majored in clothing and textiles and loved designing.  Still, in the back of my mind was that little devil saying, "Why!!!  You were good enough.  Why didn't you believe in yourself?  Why did you accept someone else' interpretation of what you are capable of?"

Now, I know that it is not possible for everyone to achieve their dreams.  We can't all become professional actors, dancers, artists, football players, sports heros, every kid has one of those dreams in their heads.  The fact is though, we can live our dreams.  We may have to scale them back a little, tweak them or maybe even alter them a bit to fit what is going on but we can live them.  

My latest take on being an artist is fulfilling my dreams.  My art works are my children and their children.  They have become my clay and my canvas.  I helped mold and paint them each to be what they now are and yes, I have been putting each one down with a pencil on art paper.  My new dream is to sketch everyone in my family in a way that every other person will recognize that sketch as one of their own.  It isn't easy.  I've had to alter and tweak a lot.  Slowly, each child is becoming my picture of who they are both on and off the paper.  When my three year old granddaughter recognizes who they are, I know I have succeeded.

I have been examining myself and found myself resilient enough to become what I always wanted to be, an artist.  It may be late and in an altered state but nevertheless, I am one.

Blessings

When you are laying in a hospital bed having just lost half your blood supply, you tend to think in different terms than ever before.  I couldn't help but look at that red liquid running through a tube into my arm and wonder who gave that blood to me.  To them it probably didn't seem like much of a sacrifice but to me, it seemed that person and the three others who gave their blood became very important.

It is not the first time I have had a blood transfusion but the others took place 30 years ago and I didn't need nearly so much.  I didn't even know I was bleeding this time for quite a while and then suddenly they were telling me that I had lost a whole lot!  What if I hadn't bled externally ever or what if my daughter hadn't responded to my phone call or what if I had passed out before getting in touch with someone.  What if, what if, what if!

Our lives are all so tenuous and we repeat something to that effect frequently but do we ever really "think" what that really means.  This all happened so quickly and I didn't even know it was happening.  How many of us have lost loved ones to a really quick event.  One minute they are here and the next, they are gone.

My experience is pretty much in the past now.  They gave me four units of blood, checked my blood count and said,  "You have a full tank now." as if I was an automobile but I'm not.  Our bodies are miraculous and they can be fixed pretty readily in the right circumstances but our thought processes are altered for a very long time.  I still find myself repeating that old "I'm so tired!" phrase but this time it is physically tired for a very good reason.  My brain processes aren't tired and I find myself thinking about this a lot.

I am soooo grateful that none of the what ifs happened.  I am still able to do pretty much that I have always been able to do but now I do it with so much more appreciation.  What a wonderful gift life is.  How wonderful is it to be blessed with such good family and friends.  How wonderful that there is a hospital within 10 minutes of my house where they can "fix" so many things.  What if I had been a pioneer on the plains when this took place.  It would probably have pretty much been good bye to "This is the place!"  A prairie grave would probably have been mine.

Being so fortunate is sometimes a heavy burden but it can also bring great delight!  Thanks whoever you are for giving blood for some unknown being.  Thanks Heavenly Father for putting me here and now when  this technology is available and I have all these amazing blessings.

A Choice to Learn and Change

For many, many years I lived with a serious disease.  It was not a disease that you could catch from someone else or that suddenly appeared out of the blue like cancer.  It came on slowly, brought about by choices or my lack of choice.  It crippled me in a way that a broken leg or muscle deterioration never does.  It crippled my mind.  That disease was fear.  I really don't know how it came about initially but I do know that it continued to grow as my life experiences changed until it was so totally controlling that I found myself one day lying on my kitchen floor in the fetal position, unable to leave my home.

For two years I went to psychiatrists and counselors.  I did all the little exercises they assigned me faithfully.  I wrote lists about how I felt.  Every one of those lists included "tired" several times.  I was tired of the choices, tired of the pain, tired of dealing, tired of people, tired of the things that had happened in my life over which I had little control and tired of life.   I was afraid of life the way it was and afraid to change it.  In all of this, it never occurred to me that I had a supreme choice until one of my counseling sessions.  I was on my 4th counselor and as I sat talking to him on one of my last sessions, he made a comment that made sooooo much sense to me. He simply said this, "It's not your mother's fault.  It's not your father's fault.  It isn't your husband or your children or your cousin Eddy's fault.  It isn't YOUR fault.  Vea Lynn, there are just some things you didn't learn in life's process.  You simply need to learn them!"  In a few short sentences, he had given me the power to take over my own life and change the facts.  He gave me permission to start learning all those things I hadn't known before.  He had told me that fear did not have to continue to rule my life.

Suddenly, I became free.  I have always been a bit of a learning addict and he was telling me that even though I didn't learn to deal with things appropriately, I still could do it.  I still had the ability to take control of my own life and learn the things I hadn't learned.  

That being said, some of those things were pretty huge.  They were things that required enormous amounts of confidence and self control.  For instance, I had, prior to all this, lost a daughter & found that my other two children were deaf in 10 days time.  I later had another deaf child.  I  had three seriously preemie babies, the last requiring the loss of his twin and 12 trips to the hospital before he was born 2 months early.  I had major surgery for a genetic defect in my urinary system and had blood clots in my leg.  I had lost both my father to a long battle with brain cancer and my father-in-law suddenly to a burst aneurysm in 6 months time.  The counseling sessions followed a 3 week stay in the "Behavioral Health" unit due to an emotional break down.  There were numerous other factors as well.

Now someone with credibility was telling me that I could still learn how to deal with all these things.  I didn't need to stay in my fearful world.  There was a way through the fear.  I was raised by wonderful parents who loved me and cared for me well.  Maybe they cared for me too well because I had been pretty insulated from many of life's normal trials and difficulties.  I already had a personality that pushed me to please rather than stand up for myself and so I readily went along with pretty much whatever they told me to do.  Fortunately, I inherited another personality trait that was to serve me well.  I am extremely stubborn!  I kind of fit in to today's Xtreme society.  I do not give up easily and I decided that I HAD to learn the things I missed.  

Mostly, I have learned because of my desire and my ability to observe what does and doesn't work but one particular thing seemed to be the catalyst.  I started taking Martial Arts.  Yes, at the age of 47, I decided to take up Tae Kwon Do.  I did it initially because of a challenge my already Black Belt Studio owner daughter gave me but soon I recognized all it was doing for me.  I was losing weight, 40 lbs in a year.  I was discovering that I wasn't the total klutz  I had always thought myself to be and most important of all, I was gaining some confidence in what I was capable of doing.   When shortly after 9/11 I went with the US Martial Arts team to the Goodwill Games in Venezuela without even a heart palpitation,  I knew that I had finally learned how to deal with the fears.

I don't have all the answers still and there are times when a healthy, normal fear is my companion and friend but I am no longer ruled by all the unhealthy fears that governed my life.  I have made my choice and that choice is to learn and if necessary, change.  Change can be a wonderful thing if you choose to make it so.

Thanks to a counselor whose name I can't even remember but who helped me understand that fear and learning to combat it are choices.  Thanks Jen, for starting me on my way and thanks for the secret that you and I share about why you are in my life.   I will be forever grateful to you both!

Children-A Choice

One of my greatest passions is my children and grandchildren. I have 5 children and they are each amazing in their own way. I have 15 grandchildren with 1 on the way. They were each born with a different spirit. Being a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (the Mormons), I believe that we lived a life as spirit children of our Heavenly Father before we came here to earth. I believe we formed personalities and made choices in that life that affect what we are like and what we do here. Whether you have that belief or not, you have to admit that each little person comes here with traits and abilities that you have no explanation for. Each little one is born with the definite imprint of his or her own personality.

I teach a Marriage and Family Relations class and I believe one of my prime responsibilities is to try and get each person in the group to think about the choices they make before facing the situation in which that choice will be implemented. It constantly amazes me how few people think about their choices before the choice must actually be made. This seems especially true in the choice to have children.

Let see, it goes something like this. Boy meets girl. He/she is cute and funny and fun. I like to be with this person. Maybe I would like to be with them for a long time. I will marry this person. I don't know, maybe we should have children. They are so cute and they will love me no matter what. That would be fun! Whoa! What happened to challenging, tons of work, frustrating, heart breaking, joyous, funny, expensive, time consuming etc. It never enters some of their minds that when they make this decision, they are choosing to alter their lives forever. Also, they are choosing to shape another life that is in their care.

In class, we spend a lot of time on the things that most don't think about. We talk about things like what do I want my children to learn from me. What qualities do I want to instill in my children. What natural talents and abilities does my child have and how do I enhance those. Do I really want to push any child to do the things I didn't have a chance to do. Where is the line that defines how hard I push or what I should let go. Many young people have given virtually no thought to most of these questions.

What they don't understand is that when you choose to have a child, many of your other choices go straight out the window. Let's face it, if you are a good parent, junior's good comes first. Good bye to going wherever I want and doing whatever I want. Mary has a play that I will need to see. Jonny has 10 football games this year. Do I need to be to all of them? Should I let Sandy take Karate or should I push her to do ballet, after all, I didn't get that chance. I know George has been taking piano lessons for 3 years and doesn't seem any better but...... How do we answer those questions? Especially in the world as it is today.

Could it be that quality is not enough? Could it be that I need quantity enough to get to know my child like he/she really deserves to be known. YES!!! The only way to find the answers to all those questions is to take the time to really know your child. You must ask questions and you MUST LISTEN TO THE ANSWERS. My daughter has 6 beautiful, talented and highly individual children. They were raised in the same house but they were not raised in the same way. There must be adjustments for each child's personality, their likes and dislikes, their talents and abilities, their tastes and choices. This is a time and labor intensive undertaking. If you do not do it, someone else will but maybe you won't like the outcome.

Each of my children has turned out amazingly well! This simply proves that sometimes in spite of parental errors, things work out ok. The one thing I did do right was sincerely love each of them and give them my time. I learned to swallow hard and say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong!" I learned to wind cords for various machines whose purpose I didn't understand but which apparently made the band practicing in my basement sound "cool". I didn't necessarily love their music but I knew where they were. I did find too, that the songs they were playing had some tremendously meaningful lyrics. I learned American Sign Language. You would be amazed at how many parents of deaf chidlren choose to not learn to communicate with them. I had multiple before and after Prom events. I was chauffer to many. I listened to all and when my nephew who lived with us said to me, "Even the bad times here are good!" I never forgot it.

If you don't have children yet, make the choice to think about it first. If you do have children, make a choice to give your all to that awe inspiring task. I promise you will never regret it! Remember, you can are the one that can choose to make "even the bad times" seem good!

On Cory

Just over 1 year and 7 months ago, I had one of the most profound experiences of my life and I have had many profound experiences. We got a call telling us that our nephew Cory had taken his own life. It was deeply painful. It affected me in ways I had not realized I could be affected.

I was both sorrowful and angry, confused at the gamut of emotions I was feeling.

I knew his mom and dad were on their way back from a vacation in Arizona where they had received the news. I didn't know what I was going to do or say when I saw them. I was furious that the call they had waited for many years had finally come. We had all hoped it wouldn't come at all but deep down, somewhere in that cavern that contains ones soul, we had all known it was coming. Now, it was finally here. The unthinkable had happened.

Cory was a handsome, intelligent, kind and gentle soul. He was pulled into something beyond his control at a very young age and in a very innocent way. Some "friends" invited him to try a drink and from that moment on, he was hooked. What an ungly habit Satan has of using innocents to break other innocents. Children leading children down a path from which it is soooo hard to turn away.

I couldn't even begin to imagine what his parents, his wife, his children and his brother and sister were going through. I have lost a child and a grandchild but it was not of their own choice. I couldn't imagine the pain that would cause a relatively young man to finally make the choice that would affect so many lives. I didn't understand why he would make that choice knowing how much pain it would cause others. I finally came to the conclusion that somewhere inside himself, he thought that everyone would be better off if he wasn't here, the "It's a Wonderful Life" syndrome. What would the world be like if I never existed!

Oh how wrong he was! There were more than enough people willing to take blame for his actions and there was plenty of blame to go around. Most of us could point fingers at ourselves and say, "Why didn't I....." Ultimately, there was only one person who could accept that responsibility. Cory made his choice. True, he probably didn't have a very real picture of the world minus Cory but I have no doubt that he now knows. He probably didn't think of the children who would forever miss a daddy or the parents who would forever mourn a son. He didn't think of the wife who was as seriously impaired as he was. He didn't think of the brother or the sister, the aunts and uncles, cousins and friends whose lives might be forever altered because of his choice.

When you are thinking only of yourself, whether impaired by alcohol or drugs or just self-destructive ways, it is hard to make any choice let alone the right one. Children, that is why your parents tell you to never take that first drink. They do it out of love. They tell you drugs will only cause pain. They say that because they know. They say, "Who are you going to the movie with?" not because they want to take your freedom. The say it because they want you to live life fully and long. They want you to have the best life you can have. Parents, some of you are being told this by your children. You, who are supposed to be the leaders, the defenders, the providers are expecting those you were to lead to provide for you.

At times, I am still angry at all the misery that Cory has brought to be, the selfishness with which he acted. I know inside that he was in a desperate position but I know also that many other acts led to this one last act. Many other choices led to this one final, irreversible choice. I know that we can make any and every excuse for his choice but it does boil down to a choice.

Cory, though you made that choice and it affected so many, know that we love you. Know that every day, many still think of you and wish you were here. You're not and many lives are forever changed by one short, irreversible moment.

Mom Again

Being present for mom's transition to another world was one of the most interesting experiences of my life.  We knew the end of this life was pretty close because of all the materials and help we had received from hospice.  They were absolutely great.  I chose to spend every minute I could of those last two weeks with mom.  She went from fairly coherent to a state that was somewhat like a coma in those two short weeks.  As I said, I had read all the hospice materials and mom pretty much followed the pattern.  She stopped eating and drinking, lost interest in pretty much everything and slowly went to sleep.  All my kids and grandkids came to say goodbye which resulted in one of the most precious photographs I own.  It is of my 3 year old granddaughter with her head in my mom's lap and 3 sets of hands loving her, her mom's mine and my mom's.  It is such a tender picture.

The day before mom died I was sitting with her when she suddenly sat up and asked for food.  My daughter was sitting with her too and so I immediately went looking for something to give her.  It took a few minutes and by the time I returned, she was back to sleep.  Later that day, as my husband and daughter were sitting with her, they told me how she sat up in bed and began to vigorously wave to someone in the upper right corner of the room.  I was in the other room talking to the hospice minister.  As I walked into her room, she put her arms out to me, told me how much she loved me and repeatedly hugged me as if she was really excited to see me.  I continue to feel that it wasn't me she was hugging.  I think she was hugging the physical me that she thought was someone else.

She died on a Sunday about noon with all of her children present.  I walked in as she was taking one of her last breathes.  My husband had just told her it was okay to go home.  I told her that dad had been waiting for her a long time and she needed to go to him and she was gone.  It was a peaceful experience for me to know that she had finally gone home.  I have no regrets about the time I spent with her.  It was an amazing experience for me.  Thanks again mom for teaching me another lesson.  When it is time for me to go home, I think I will able to do it peacefully.

Mom's Choice

My mother died in January. She was 95 years old. My dad died 25 years ago and in some ways my mom died with him. She was never really good at making decisions so dad did much of the decision making. Fortunately, that was one of his strong points. Unfortunately that left mom in a difficult situation upon dad's death. After dad died, my sister and I regularly spent one day every week with my mom, usually Thursday. She looked forward to those days with great anticipation. On those days, she had companions most of the day. On those days, we helped her do all the things she was afraid to do alone. On those days, we laughed and cried and shopped and had lunch. Her life took on some meaning on those days.

Most other days for her were spent at home. She was never a "social butterfly". She loved her family, her house and her garden. Her passions were her family and a "white tornado" clean house and yard. That was her work and her glory and she did a pretty terrific job with those things. Many of her days were lonely. She made choices that isolated her from the world. She would not call anyone for the simplest request. She would not initiate a visit with anyone. She would not go with the ladies who invited her to lunch or club meetings or just a ride or movie. She quit going to church because she might not look right and later because she could not hear it. She was so afraid of "looking stupid" that she would not even avail herself of the simple safety devices that could have made her more comfortable as she aged, walkers, alarm systems etc.

I had a particular gripe in this area. I am the mother of 3 deaf kids and thier spouses are all deaf as well. 3 of them really benefit from hearing aids but 3 are so deaf that it makes very little difference and in a sense is actually sort of annoying. Mom started to lose her hearing many years before she died. We dutifully went and got her a state of the art set of hearing aids at no small expense. She wore them for a week or two and then straight to the jewelry drawer they went where they remained useless for the rest of her life. She refused to make the effort to learn to live with them. I would have given anything for my kids to be able to benefit from similar aids and the fact that she would not use them gnawed at me. The plain fact of the matter was that mom did not like to try anything out of her comfort zone and she also thought they made her "look stupid". Did that mean that my kids looked stupid because they wore aids or did they look stupid because aids did them no good so they chose not to wear them? Though she didn't mean anything by not wearing them, I got the message that her feelings about herself applied to my children as well. I'm absolutely sure she never understood the pain this caused me. Why? Because no one, including me, told her.

I learned a powerful lesson from this little hang-up of moms. I learned how little we know about how our choices sometime affect others without our even understanding that they do. A pair of hearing aids did not come between mom and I because I made a choice not to allow that but her world was altered by that choice in ways she did not know. I still have those hearing aids where I can see them occassionally to remind me of this lesson.

Thanks mom. You were a terrific mom and I learned so much from you even if you did have some hangups! The fact is that I even learned from your hang-ups!

Not Another Prospective Author!

Most of my adult life I have wanted to write a book. Not one of those mystery novels or historical fiction or self-help books that I like to read. Not one of those information textbook type books. I have wanted to write a book that says, because I have been through this and survived, you can do it too kind of books, an encouragement book if you will. I have always felt that someone else could benefit from the experiences I have been through myself and with my family.

I have had a few of Dr. Phil's defining moments in my life. I have had more than a few of those days when I truly didn't think I could make it and honestly didn't care. You see, I have this funny point of view about the "alternative". You know, the "alternative" that everyone says doesn't look so good to them when they are sick, discouraged, wasted or just plain tired and don't want to face another day. I kind of think the "alternative" looks pretty good. That is not to say that I would deliberately choose "the alternative". It just means that I don't think it sounds so bad. I choose to stay here with my family and friends right now but I haven't as my husband so delicately puts it, "fallen in love with this world." I don't think I ever will. Today is my birthday and as I get each year older, I fall less in love with the world, especially as it is today. You see, I can clearly remember being 15 or 16 and having these moments when I felt like this was not my real life. Those moments were so vivid and I remember thinking I was living a dream. Not an amazing, wonderful dream, not a nightmare, just a dream.

I live here because of my amazing family. I graduated from college and yes, shortly after that, I got a tall, dark and handsome, kind, gentle and virtuous, returned missionary college student for a husband. We followed the advice of a prophet and didn't put off having a family. Our first daughter was born 9 months and 2 weeks after we were married. Thank goodness for those 2 weeks or every old lady's tongue would have been wagging instead of just a few! 12 months and 10 days later, we had our second child, a son. My husband worked 30 hours a week on 2 jobs, took 18 hours of credit every semester of school until he graduated and we built a house during that time. Kids now hear us say that and they think we were just plain crazy or lying. It is the plain and simple truth. Funny thing is, we just thought we were the average normal couple because all our friends did pretty much the same.

My world then began to fall apart. One piece at a time I began to lose my idea of what a perfect life was. I have since redefined that "perfect" world. At the time though, my world was defined mostly by pain and anger. Actually, my world was coming together in a different way than I had planned. Don't all our worlds do that? I was about to learn some of life's most valuable lessons. Looking back, I have changed my choices and my passions and my definitions have become more broad. Now, I find "perfection" is what is perfect for me and see that all these elements of the past have come together to make my life "perfect" for the person it has made me. Paraphrasing Eleanor Roosevelt, "The lives we lead are a result of the choices we make."

Right Place, Right Time!