Friday, October 14, 2011

I'm confused!!!

I find it interesting that life can be going just "hunky-dory" one minute and the next it can be frustrating and unmanagable. Well, today is one of those days. It all started out ok but then I had to stand in one spot until my back and neck and hips and knees were killing me while I packed hundreds of cans of chicken to prepare them to be cooked at the cannery. I tried to "focus" on the "process" like I teach my Tai Chi students. Famous words these: Focus, Process, Product. It all sounds very good until I try to apply it to my life. When I do that, the focus gets lost in the process and the process gets lost trying to get to the product. It is all so confusing.

My next block of time was spent at one of my favorite places in SLC at this time of year, Gardner Village. Unfortunately we got there in the midst of the "Witches Festival" and while it was fun it was not relaxing as I had hope it would be. Children and mostly women, in gaudy outfits, laughing and talking and yelling loudly while music blared everywhere did not add to my peace of mind nor did the fact that I couldn't find the gift that I had envisioned for a good friend's birthday. When I realized that I had also missed my second newest grandchild's birthday it didn't help at all.

At Gardner Village and then again at Tai Pan, I watched as people furiously scurried about to try to fill their lives with more "excitement" and more "stuff". Somehow it didn't seem very meaningful to me. What did seem meaningful was the fact that I was trying to find "just the right thing" to make a friend happy. The other things that seemed right today were that I was spending this time with my sweetheart and that I had met an old friend from years ago and it felt just the same, as if we had never missed a day. It brought back many happy memories of doing something that I hated to give up but had to in a somewhat confusing change of roles in my life.

Confused? Me too! Confused that I can't find just the right gift or that I can't say the words that really express what I want to say. Confused at the feelings that are swirling around me right now like a whirlpool threatening to swallow me at any minute. Confused that the preparations for something that I really want to do overwhelm me and cause me and those around me pain through my actions. Confused that there is so much I want to do here before I leave but that I want to leave so badly now. Confused that I can't explain this to my husband and confused that when I try he doesn't understand. Confused that I want to walk in faith so badly but confused that it is so hard to actually do that. Help me Heavenly Father because I am soooo confused.

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